


Beautifully Broken

by JenCollins



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Flower Crowns, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Pastel Dan Howell, Pastel Dan and Punk Phil, Punk Phil Lester, Tattoo Artist Phil, Tattoos, Trust Issues, bipolar Dan, flower boy dan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-12
Updated: 2018-08-20
Packaged: 2019-06-26 06:32:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 19,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15657708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenCollins/pseuds/JenCollins
Summary: Pastel!Dan have had a rough life that made it's prints on his soul, body and personality. But all his life is about to change when he meet Bad boy/Punk!Phil who believe that Dan can be cured, just with a bit of unconditional love.





	1. Chapter 1

_**Lightning in the dark.** _

Daniel Howell was normal 17 years old boy, or so it looked from the outside. He looked soft. Pastel boy. But nothing was as it looked. He was younger child in his family. The one who ruined everything and everyone's lives. His own parents hated him. And so from all the pressure have left it's marks on his body, soul and mind. Daniel got sick in early years of his life. He was bipolar with manic and depressive episodes, but most of time he suffer from mixed affective episodes.

Daniel have just finished high school and his parents was pushing him to get into university, telling him to finally do something meaningful.

-Get a degree, earn money, pay us back for all shits you have caused us and stop being such a burden! - They screamed in his face over and over, pushing and pushing.

Daniel couldn't take it, he have curl up in a ball and cried grabbing his own hair, pulling too strong causing sharp pain go through all his body.

-Shut up, you rat! - His brother screamed pushing Daniel down on his back before walking away to his own room.

Daniel didn't even have his own room because they never ever planned to have a second child. They didn't want him. So Daniel was sleeping in one small storage room that was still being used as storage room leaving him just enough space to lay down on crappy mattress.

Daniel was shivering and gasping for breath, his mind screaming at him for being such a fool and useless shit.

He didn't even notice when he got up and run out in the dark.

He didn't feel rain pouring down his body and sharp wind trying to tear off his plain black t - shirt from his skinny body.

He just run without seeing or hearing anything else than voices screaming in his mind.

_Crush your skull against road_

_Drwon yourself_

_Cut your veins open and bleed to death_

_Run under a car or even better, under a buss_

_Jump of a building_

_Kill yourself_

_Kill yourself_

_KILL YOURSELF_

His mind was screaming louder and louder with each step he took.

Daniel couldn't breath anymore, his lungs was on fire and muscles giving up.

He fell down in the middle of the road gasping for breath, pushing his hands over his ears trying to cut off all the voices screaming at him.

With every breath he tried to suck in, he cough on water getting into his lungs. He felt so weak, so he just let it all crush his bones and closed his eyes.

Phil just got home from his tattoo shop. It was bad storm outside. He got out of his car ready to run inside when he spot something laying on the middle of the road.

\- For fucks sake. - He murmured thinking that someone have thrown some trash out or something so when he saw that it's a human body laying there, he was shocked.

\- Hey! - He crunch down to see better.

A boy opened his eyes and looked up meeting Phil's blue eyes.

Phil couldn't breath, soft, big brown eyes was looking straight at him making his heart warm.

With that he knew that he need to help this boy in all costs.

Daniel saw blue eyes piercing through the dark like a lighting in the middle of the night.

They were calming him down, making voices quiet down and his breathing to come back.

\- I'm Phil, I'm gonna help you get up, okay? - soothing voice said making Dan feel even more calmer.

So when Phil was putting an arm around Daniel, he let him.

It felt weird to let anyone touch him after all these years. But this touch was so much different, it was soft not rough, it was calming not bruising.

Boy, Phil, pulled Daniel up and led him to his appartment.

Phil sit Daniel down in the bathroom putting puffy towel around Daniel's skinny body.

Daniel liked to feel the touch of soft towel around his wet body, he wanted to close his eyes but Phil was more interesting, so he kept his eyes open and looking at Phil.

\- What's your name? - Phil asked sitting down in front of Daniel.

Daniel just keep looking at Phil without opening his mouth. He wasn't even thinking about answering. He haven't said a word in years. And to be honest, he wasn't even sure if he still knew how to do that.

Phil was waiting before letting a deep breath out.

\- Listen, I need to know your name so I can help you. - Phil tried again.

Daniel just tilt his head to the side watching Phil over.

Phil saw boys eyes scanning him over and understand how he may look to the boy, black hair, tattoos and piercings, leather jacket, true bad boy/ punk look.

\- I won't hurt you, I promise. - Phil said taking off his leather jacket.

And for some reason Daniel believed him, he couldn't explain why, he just did. So he stretched out his right arm to let Phil see a simple wristband with his name and diagnose on it.

_Daniel Howell_

_Bipolar Disorder_

Phil read it nooding.

\- Okay, Daniel. Lets drain you off, you must be freezing. - Phil stretched his hand out to help Daniel to drain off but Daniel jumped to the side, scared, starting to shake.

\- Oh, shit! I'm sorry, fuck. Dan, can I call you Dan? - Phil kneeled down in front of Dan trying to look him in the eyes.

Dan looked Phil in the eyes calming down right away.

\- You don't like to be touched? - Phil asked to be fully sure he don't make another mistake.

Dan nood pulling towell closer around him.

\- Okay, I won't touch you without a warning, okay? Come, I will give you dry clothes to wear so you can sleep. Will you please come with me? - Phil stretched out a hand for Dan, waiting for him to take it.

Dan looked at Phil and than at his open hand, than back at Phil and back at his hand before he took a deep breath and took his hand in his own.

Phil smiled making Dan's heart skip a beat.

That smile, it was breathtaking. Dan wanted to see it more.

Phil led Dan to his own bedroom and switch the light on letting go of Dan's arm.

Phil qickly search for dry clothes to give Dan, he pulled out a black sweater and soft, black boxers.

\- Here, put these on, I hope they will fit. - Phil smiled giving Dan clothes turning around himself and starting to undress.

Dan watched every Phil's move, how his muscles flexed when he was pulling off his shirt, how his fingers unbuttoned his jeans and pulled them down.

Dan swallow hard trying to look away but no matter how he tried, his eyes stayed glued to Phil's perfect body.

Phil saw Dan looking and smiled.

\- Like what you see? - Phil turned around making Dan look down and stumble back a bit.

Phil let out a joyful laugh stepping closer to Dan.

\- Do you want me to help you change into dry clothes? - Phil asked close to Dan's face.

Dan tried not to blush.

\- You can change into them here, I will be in the kitchen. - Phil smiled walking away leaving Dan alone in Phil's bedroom.

Dan looked around the simple bedroom that made Dan feel welcome, more welcome than his home have ever felt like.

Dan changed into Phil's clothes going to search for Phil holding his wet clothes in his hands.

He find Phil in the kitchen putting down two cups of some hot liquid.

There was some simple sandwiches put down on the table too.

Phil looked up smiling at Dan.

\- Give these to me, I will put them in the washing machine. Sit dow, I made some sandwiches and tea for us. Feel free. Eat. - Phil smiled taking wet clothes from Dan and walking away.

Dan looked back where Phil went before sitting down and wrapping his slim fingers around hot cup, closing his eyes, feeling warmth slipping in his cold skin.

Dan opened his eyes when he heard footsteps come closer, he marked in his mind how Phil's footsteps sounded like, to remember it later if needed.

\- Please eat something, you probably are hungry. - Phil sit down sipping from his tea and taking one sandwich in his hand, starting to eat it.

Dan looked down at the food in front of him, no one have offered him a food for years, heck, Dan didn't even remember when that have ever happened.

He always needed to earn his food, his parents didn't give him anything he didn't earn with hard work.

So it shocked Dan a bit, he felt unsure.

Was Phil joking and waiting to hit Dan?

Dan tilt his head to the side watching Phil eat.

\- Please, eat, you are really skinny. Don't worry, I am eating too. - Phil smiled pushing a plate closer to Dan.

Dan looked down at the food finally stretching out his hand to take some.

And to be honest, it taste delicious.

Dan closed his eyes, enjoying food.

\- Earth calling Dan, - soft laugh made Dan zoom back in opening his eyes to see smiling Phil watching him.

Dan tilt his head to the side questining.

\- You zoomed out for about 15 minutes. It's time to go to sleep, it's almost 1am and I have a work tomorrow. - Phil said with kindness not anger, still smiling at Dan.

Dan nod getting up ready to leave.

Phil grabbed his hand before Dan could open apartment's door.

Dan looked at him without understanding what Phil was doing.

\- Where are you going? It's too late and too shitty weather out for you to go anywhere. You are staying here with me. In the morning I will take you home. Now come on, lets go to sleep, I'm really tired. - Phil couldn't help but yawn.

It looked so cute. Dan made sure to put this moment in his "remember" box in his mind.

Dan let Phil lead him to the bedroom, different one this time.

\- This is guest bedroom, you can sleep here. My room is down the hallway. If you need anything, just come and wake me up. - Phil said looking deep in Dan's eyes.

Dan nod getting in the big bed, it was so big that Dan felt a big awkward sleeping there.

\- Good Night, Daniel! - Phil smiled at Dan before switching off the light but leaving door open walking back to his room.

Dan felt warm seeping through his body just by hearing these simple words.

He breath in the scent of Phil's sweater closing his eyes and falling asleep.

For the first time in years Dan actually slept the entire night. He felt in peace.


	2. Spend a Day With Me.

_**Spend a day with me.** _

When Dan woke up he didn't understand where he was, he lay back down looking around trying to remember everything that happened last night.

_Phil_

Dan sit up going to find a bathroom. He was so use to walk around without any sound so when he was passing Phil's room he stopped for a moment to look at sleeping beauty.

Dan didn't understand why such a boy wanted to help him and was so nice to him.

But Dan needed to admit that Phil looked sexy, all these tattoos and piercings, Dan wanted to know more about each one of them, understand their stories and reasons. Dan wanted to know Phil better.

And maybe they could become friends…

_Maybe…_

Dan shake his head walking into bathroom, he really needed to pee.

When Dan was almost done, the door opened and sleepy Phil stepped inside. Dan screamed trying to pull his boxers back on. His scream scared Phil making him jump back.

They both fell down on their bums, looking at each other for a moment before Phil start to laugh confusing Dan even more.

\- Shit, man, you scared me with that scream. But I guess, it was my fault. I'm sorry, I didn't want to scare you, I thought that you were still sleeping. Sorry, - Phil smiled making Dan to calm down and slowly get up adjusting his boxers.

Dan felt Phil's eyes slid over his body, stopping a bit longer around Dan's bum but than sliding back up to his eyes.

Dan took a deep breath and strech out his hand to help Phil get up.

Phil smiled taking Dan's cold hand in his warm one and stood up.

Dan pulled his hand away putting them around his body.

\- You can go to my room and get some jeans or sweatpants to wear, I don't want you to be cold. I will pee and than go make us some breakfast, okay? - Phil was still smiling making Dan's stomach to turn warm.

Dan nod sliping out of the batroom running away.

He stopped in Phil's bedroom, looking around.

He didn't know where to look for clothes and what clothes he could take and what he couldn't so he just walk toward Phil's messy bed and start to make it.

\- What are you doing? - Phil's confused voice made Dan jump back from the bed. - You didn't need to do that. - Phil smiled walking to his walk in clothet.

Dan just stayed there watching him without knowing what to do now.

\- Here, take these, they should fit. - Phil give Dan black skinny jeans starting to put on some clothes himself.

Dan watched Phil for a moment before starting to put on the given jeans. They fit almost perfect.

\- You look cute. - Phil smiled checking Dan out.

Dan couldn't help but blush, looking down.

\- Let's go get some breakfast. - Phil smiled walking to the kitchen with Dan following him like a lost puppy.

Dan sit down watching every Phil's move while Phil made them coffee and some waffles.

\- Eat how much you want. I hope you do drink coffee. Shit, I should have asked you that before I made you one. Sorry. - Phil murmured sitting down.

Dan took his cup and took a sip from it calming Phil down.

\- Good, - Phil smiled. - We will need to think something about this communication. Hmm… - Phil start to eat.

Dan start to eat too slipping deep in his mind thinking.

It would be only fair if Dan would at least try to answer Phil, but to be honest, Dan really had no idea how to speak anymore, he didn't need to do that in years.

\- Do you have a phone? - Phil all of sudden asked.

Dan shake his head "no".

A phone? His parents didn't even want to buy him a clothes to wear so there was no talking about getting a phone.

\- Really? Okay. I have an idea. Do you have any plans for today? - Phil asked looking straight at Dan.

Dan got lost in Phil's eyes, how beautiful they were.

Phil looked at him waiting for answer so Dan shake his head "no" again.

\- Would you like to spend a day with me? I would love to get to know you better and become friends. - Phil said with pure honesty making Dan's heart warm.

Dan nod with a small blush tinting his cheeks.

\- That's great! - Phil smiled in pure joy finishing his breakfast.

Dan stand up ready to do the dishes but Phil's on his stomach stopped him.

\- You are my guest, no houseworks for you. - Phil smiled taking his hand away.

Dan felt somehow different feeling Phil's touch, it wasn't alarming, more like calming. It confuse Dan a lot, he couldn't understand why Phil's touch felt so good while he couldn't stand anyone else to touch him even a bit.

Dan sit down watching how Phil did the dishes still deep in his mind.

He needed to admit that with Phil he felt a lot calmer, more in control over his body. Heck, he felt more in control over himself than he have ever been in all these years.

Something about Phil just pulled Dan closer, his every nerve and mind cell. For some reason he wanted to spend his time with Phil without looking back.

When Phil finished and turned around Dan was sitting there, watching him with head tilt to one side, looking all cute and deep in his own mind.

It made Phil smile.

Dan was so soft and Phil loved it about this boy.

And he couldn't deny that he find Dan attractive too, a bit more than just friend level.

It worried Phil a bit but Phil pushed it to the side, he's grown up enough to control his needs.

Phil smiled leaning against sink watching Dan.

All of sudden Dan's mind finally register that Phil was watching him and that made Dan jump up feeling awkward and shy.

Phil laugh shaking his head.

\- Lets go. - Phil smiled walking to the door putting on shoes and his leather jacket. - You can borrow some shoes too, if they fit.-

Dan nood putting on one of Phil's shoes standing back up.

Dan felt safe being wrapped all in Phil's scent that come from his clothes.

Phil opened doors for him and locked them behind Dan.

Dan looked around without knowing where he actually was, he didn't remember a street like this anywhere close to his house or school. But this was really beautiful place where to live in. It was a bit noisy since it was city centre but still really beautiful. Dan spot a big park near the appartment building Phil lived in. He could picture midnight and early morning walks he could spend there shaking his head in sudden wave of sadness.

\- Dan? - Phil's soft voice made Dan turn around and see that Phil was holding a car door open for him.

Dan couldn't help his mouth open in shock.

Was that really Phil's car?

Dan walked closer, still in shock making Phil laugh.

\- Yeah, it is really my car. Now hop in. - Phil smiled watching how amazed Dan was by shiny black Porshe 911 turbo.

Dan slip in slowly looking around in awe.

He knew that he must look like a baby in toy store but hell, this car was worth the amazement.

Phil hop in too starting the car, looking over at Dan, still smiling.

Dan felt exited for some weird reason.

\- Seat belt on. - Phil murmured leaning closer to Dan.

Dan leaned back as far as he could letting Phil pull seat belt around Dan's skinny body.

_Oh…_

Dan let out soft breath.

A big part of him knew that Phil won't hurt him but other part still screamed at him to watch out, to hide and get as far away as possible.

When Phil start to drive Dan let out part scream, part gasp of how fast the car was going right away.

\- Too fast? - Phil asked with a smirk.

Dan shake his head "no" with excitment filling his body.

Phil glanced at Dan enjoying to see Dan so excited so he drive extra block around just to make Dan happy before they stopped in front of an Apple shop.

Phil hop out opening doors for Dan. Dan looked up at Phil with joy in his eyes and hop out feeling amazing.

Phil smirk and led Dan inside the shop. Dan looked around feeling a bit scared all of sudden, all this stuff was a way too expensive, one wrong move and Dan will be in big trouble.

He stopped close next to Phil who was talking with a cute girl who worked there.

Dan didn't hear a word Phil or the girl was saying, he was too deep in his mind, listening all the voices wake up and scream at him. Dan felt a bit dizzy so he grab Phil's hand without even thinking.

Feeling warmth seeping through the cold made Dan close his eyes and feel calm with every second even more and more till he didn't hear the voices anymore, and was fully calm.

\- Let's go. - Phil whisper in his ear leading him out back to the car, still holding Dan's hand in his.

Phil opened doors for Dan and wait for him to get in before closing them behind him.

Dan didn't need long till Phil was into car next to him again, with that cute, exited smirk on his lips.

\- I have a gift for you. - Phil couldn't help his exitment.

He give Dan a small box, watching Dan's reaction.

Dan couldn't believe it, Phil was giving him the newest iPhone. Dan looked at Phil in pure shock ansking with his eyes if it's for real.

Phil just smiled noding his head waiting for Dan to get the phone out of the box.

Dan's hands was shaking a bit when he took the phone out.

_It's so shiny… Fuck, he's crazy._

Dan looked over at Phil trying to understand what Phil was thinking.

\- Here, let me show how to use it. It's easy. You will learn fast. - Phil was smiling showing Dan all the things about new phone.

Dan let their fingers brush together sending warmth all over Dan's body.

Soon Dan was understanding and loving the new phone.

\- So, you can type whatever you want to say to me and it will read it out a loud. A easy way for us to talk. - Phil smiled looking at Dan who seem just as happy, just without a smile on his face.

\- Thank you, Phil. - Dan type down and phone speak it out.

\- My pleasure. Now, lets go to my tattoo salon. You will like it there. It's like second home for me. - Phil smiled starting to drive.

Exitment filled Dan's body.

Hell, how he liked driving around in this car!

Soon they stopped to cool looking tattoo salon.

Dan followed Phil inside trying to take everything in what he saw.

It was in black and red tones with neon lights around. It looked really cool but somehow it felt like home too.

Phil pulled off his jacket and sit down to computer.

\- Feel like home, - Phil smiled starting to type something on key board.

Dan sit down on one couch not too far from Phil, looking around. He have never been in a tattoo salon so everything here was new to him.

\- First customer will be only after hour so we have some time for our self. - Phil smiled turning to Dan. - So, Dan, tell me something about yourself. -

Dan sit there looking at him, without knowing what to say or about what to start.

\- Let's start with how old are you and so on. - Phil smiled.

\- I'm 17 - Dan type down looking back up at Phil.

_Oh shit. -_ Phil tought in his head.

\- But I'm turning 18 next month. - Dan added seeing Phil's look.

\- Nice. - Phil felt calmer right away. - I'm 22, so I'm just 4 years older than you. That's cool. -

\- You have amazing tattoo salon. - Dan type down looking up to see Phil's reaction.

\- Thank you, I design it myself. When I bought this place, it was so fucking trashy, but with a lot of work and effort I manage to turn it into this beautiful place. - Phil said with a proud smile sitting down next to Dan on the couch.

They kept talking till the customer come making Phil to stand up.

Dan watched Phil work with amazment in his eyes.

Seeing how careful he let the small needles pump tint into skin making a beautiful drawing made Dan almost hypnoties.

Soon there start to come more and more people making Dan a bit uneasy.

Slowly Dan tried to look smaller and smaller and slowly fade away into black walls.

Phil come to Dan kneeling in front of him.

\- Just one more customer and than that's it for today, okay? - Phil waited till Dan nod and than got back up going back to his work.

Last person didn't take long leaving Dan with only Phil.

Phil cleaned everything up turning back to Dan.

\- That's it for today. Let's go get something to eat. What do you say about pizza? - Phil asked putting on his jacket.

\- Pizza sound good. - Dan type down standing up.

\- Hey, buddy, don't worry, okay? With me, you are safe. I won't let anyone hurt you. - Phil looked deep in Dan's brown eyes.

Dan nod feeling calmer right away.

They step out on the street, Phil locked the shop and turned back to Dan.

They started walking without saying a word and Dan didn't mind it, he looked around enjoying the view till something catch his full attention.

Phil was lighting up a cigarette between his lips.

Dan stopped looking at him unbelieving.

Without thinking he reach up and pulled the cigarette out of Phil's lips and touch dropping it on the ground and stomping on it.

Phil watched Dan in surprise.

\- Smoking can kill you. - Dan pulled out his phone and type down looking at Phil with angry bitch face that surprise Phil even more.

\- Fuck, can I just marry you? - Phil murmured without knowing how to react, confusing Dan.

\- What? - Dan felt so confuse.

They just stare at each other for a bit before both shake their heads and start to walk again.

When they sit down in the pizza place Phil looked up with a smile.

\- Order everything you want. I'm paying. - Phil looked down to his menu choosing what he want.

Dan showed him the cheapest pizza slice they served earning a bitch face from Phil.

\- You don't need to look at the price. Now tell me what you really would enjoy eating. - Phil looked deep in Dan's eyes making Dan nod and show. - Great! See? It wasn't that hard. You will need to learn how to feel a bit more free around me because I am planning on spending a lot of time with you. - Phil smied before ordering their food and drinks.

\- Now tell me more about yourself. - Phil turned his full attention to Dan.

\- I already told you… - Dan felt a bit confuse.

\- Yeah, but I want to know more. I want to get to know the real you. - Phil said pointing at Dan's chest.

Dan took a deep breath making quick decision in his mind.

And so he told Phil all about that he is bipolar with manic, depression and mixed affective episodes. He told that he don't even remember how to speak because he haven't said a damn word in years, he didn't even remember when was the last time when he spoke. He told about how he ruined his parents life by popping up right when they wanted to break up, how they hate him since then and are treating him that way too. He told him how actually everyone in school treated him the same because he is weird and like pastel boy. He told him that he is about to finish high school and that his parents are forcing him to get into uni to get good degree so he could pay them back for all these years they have wasted on him. He told him how he actually didn't want to go to uni.

Phil had a lot of questions and Dan answered them all.

Dan told him small positive bits too, like how he is actually really pastel like boy, who love plants and taking photos, what music he likes.

Phil told him all about himself, how he have always been a bad boy / punk, that most of his tattoos are made and tattooed by himself, how he did buy a tattoo shop, that he have actually finished university of art.

Dan was amazed by Phil and everything he told him.

They talked for hours without noticing the sun going down and pizza place getting ready to close.

They just talked and talked for hours.

\- I'm sorry, but we are closing. - one of workers come to them bringing them back to reality.

\- Oh, we're sorry. We lost track of time. - Phil laugh standing up.

Dan blush a bit following Phil out to his car.

\- Do you want to stay over tonight too? It's saturday so it shouldn't be big problem. Plus I can help you get ready to your exam too, if you want. - Phil smiled starting car.

\- I don't want to bother you any longer… - Dan looked down to his hands.

\- You are not bothering me. I love spending time with you. Really, Dan, I enjoyed every second that I spend with you. - Phil glanced at Dan.

\- Okay, I will stay. - Dan nod. - Thank you, Phil, really, thank you. -

\- For what? - Phil asked a bit confused.

\- For helping me, for saving me. - Dan looked out the window so he wouldn't need to face Phil.

\- Always. - Phil said making Dan turn soft once again.

When they got to Phil's appartment it was already midnight.

\- Can I, please, take a shower? - Dan typed down looking up at Phil.

\- Of course. Go ahead. - Phil smiled walking into kitchen.

Dan walked to the nice looking bathroom closing door behind him. He slowly undress himself feeling cold right away. Phil's clothes was so comfy.

Dan slipped into shower washing his body as fast as he could.

When he got out he look into mirror, scanning himself over.

Bones was sticking out, dark circles under eyes.

Dan sighed wrapping towel around his waist.

He will need to ask Phil for clean boxers again.

Dan shake his head taking couple deep breath before walking out the bathroom to search for Phil.

Phil was in his bedroom, undressing himself right when Dan walked into it.

Dan's eyes wide open, watching Phil almost naked in front of him.

_Again._

Phil turned around wanting to say something but his mouth stayed open with no words coming out. His eyes scanned Dan's naked body.

_Don't get hard! -_ Phil screamed at himself in his mind before swallowing hard.

\- Do you… Do you need clean boxers? - Phil asked wanting to kick himself of how stupid he was reacting.

Dan nod with his eyes still on Phil's body.

Phil nod too watching Dan for a bit more before searching for boxers.

\- Here. - Phil give Dan boxers standing just a couple centimetrs away from Dan.

They locked their eyes getting lost in them.

Phil couldn't help himself, he was leaning closer to Dan without even noticing it.

Dan felt nervous all of sudden.

Phil was about to kiss him.

_No_

_Wrong_

_Can't happen_

_You can never being touched like that_

_You don't deserve love_

_No_

_No_

_No!_

His mind was screaming at him making him start to panic.

Dan grab the boxers turning around on his heal and he ran leaving Phil standing there alone.

\- You fucking idiot! You scared him! - Phil murmured to himself wanting to slap himself for how stupid he was.

A little bit latter Dan was laying in the big bed under soft blanket, still not understanding what actually did happen.

They were looking at each other, they were almost naked, and then his mind start to scream at him.

Dan pulled his hair in frustration.

Phil couldn't sleep too, he felt so damn bad for scaring Dan like that.

He knew that it was really hard for Dan to even allow him this close but no, he try to kiss him.

Phil was angry at himself.

He got up and went to the room Dan was staying and knocked before walking in to see Dan still awake with eyes big and watery.

\- Dan, I am so sorry. I didn't want to scare you like that. I… I… - Phil sigh walking closer to Dan sitting down on the side of the bed. - I just find you really attractive and I don't really know what happened. I am so sorry. It won't happen again, I promise. I don't want you to be scared of me. I want to be your friend. I'm sorry, Dan. Please forgive me. -

Dan listen to every Phil's word feeling a bit better.

\- I forgive you. - He type down on his phone noding to Phil.

\- Thank you. - Phil stand up but didn't want to leave just yet. - Have sweet dreams, Dan. -

\- You too, Phil. - Dan looked up at Phil.

Phil nod walking away to his room.

They both felt uneasy for some reason but they was too tired to think about that right now, so they let sleep take over them, leaving it all to tomorrow.


	3. Where Does It Place Us?

_**Where does it place us?** _

Dan slept amazingly good while being here. He didn't wake up several times during the night, he didn't have his terrible, chasing nightmares. He understand that he felt somehow safe being here no matter how weird it sounded.

Dan was laying in Phil's bed right next to him. They was facing each other, looking deep in each other eyes. They just layed there, staring at each other. Than Phil close his eyes and let out soft moan confusing Dan.

Dan open his eyes understanding that he was still in seperate room and that it was just a dream.

He wanted to close his eyes when he heard Phil moan again, this time louder.

Without thinking Dan was up on his legs and walking to Phil's room without any sound.

Phil's bedroom door was open just like Dan's.

Dan stopped at the door looking down at still sleeping Phil.

Phil was laying in just his boxers that was really tight, he had raging hard on already leaking pre cum.

Dan didn't know what to do or how to react. He was frozen, watching Phil slid his hand down over his boxers and letting out another moan, than sliding his hand back up and into his boxers grabbing his hard on letting out even more pleasant moan.

In that moment Dan run, he closed his bedroom door behind him and stand against them still in shock and frozen.

_What did he just saw?_

_Did he actually walked in Phil having a… a wet dream?_

_And him being hard… and… and that big…?_

Dan was in complete shock, his brain couldn't process what actually did happen.

He saw the image playing in his head over and over pushing him even more out of place.

Dan crawl into bed and pulled covers over him, just staring at the wall.

He didn't know what to think or do right now.

_Phil will be done soon and than he will probably walk to the bathroom…_

_He will ask why Dan's door is closed since they agree on keeping them open…_

_Shit, shit, shit._

_What should I do?_

Dan was panicking a bit.

_What to do? What to do?_

He looked around noticing his new phone standing on the night stand.

_That's right, he will play some games or something and if Phil will ask anything he will say that he closed the door not to wake Phil up._

_Yes, yes, that's perfect._

Dan grab his phone starting to look through it actually slipping into it.

Phil woke up from his orgasm.

He slowly open his eyes to see that it all have been a dream and he was laying in his bed with now wet boxers, but still feeling pleased.

Phil curse under his breath.

He just had a fucking wet dream about Dan.

_For fucks sake, he knew him only two days!_

Phil got up and rush to take a shower.

He stand under the hot water trying to convince him that it was bad, but no matter how hard he tried, he still knew that he liked what was happening in the dream.

He cough himself thinking it back and wishing that it could be reality.

Phil shake his head actually starting to wash himself.

_Dan should be awake in any moment now._

Phil got out of the shower throwing clean clothes on, all black again.

He walked down the hall to stop in surprise to see Dan's door closed.

_Shit, he must heard him yanking off. Fuck._

Phil slowly open the door seeing Dan still in bed playing some weird game in his phone.

Just by the look in his eyes Phil understand that Dan was really into it.

\- Good morning. - Phil smiled walking closer to Dan.

Dan jumped a little hearing Phil, he didn't notice him walking in.

Dan closed the game opening the talking program and typing down his greating.

\- How did you sleep? - Phil push his hand through his hair.

\- Really good, thank you. - Dan typed down looking back up at Phil.

_He act like he actually don't know that I saw him. That's good._

Dan mark in his head.

\- What would you like for breakfast? - Phil ask letting his eyes trawel a bit more over Dan's body.

He didn't like to see Dan so skiny, he wanted him to be healthy.

\- Coffee is okay. - Dan was studing Phil's face, wondering what Phil was thinking right now.

\- You need to eat something. Do you want me to make something? Anything? - Phil asked in smal hope that Dan will choose some food but Dan just shake his head "no".

\- Okay, - Phil sigh standing up. - I'll meet you in the kitchen. -

Dan watched Phil walk away and only than get out of bed himself putting on jeans.

He admired how Phil could sleep in only his boxers while Dan was so used to be sleeping in his clothes.

Dan walked down to the kitchen sitting down not knowing what to do while Phil was making them morning coffee.

\- We have a pizza left, will you eat it with me? - Phil asked with hope in his eyes.

Dan nod seeing instant smile appear on Phil's lips.

Something inside him flutter seeing Phil happy.

For some reason Dan wanted to keep making Phil happy, so he eat all the food Phil was giving him and just seeing the happy look on Phil's face, Dan knew that it was worth the suffer that will come of not getting enough food next days when he will be back home.

They spend the rest of sunday together, most of the time with Phil teaching Dan how to play video games in which Dan was amazingly good at.

After they finish home made dinner Dan knew that it was time to go home, it was already dark outside and he had exam in the morning.

Dan felt all the joy of the day draining out of him, leaving him sad and dark once again, the usual Dan.

\- I have to go, it's already late and I have exam in the morning. Thank you for everything. I will make sure to get your clothes back to you. - Dan typed out already turning to leave.

\- Wait! I will take you home. It's dark outside, I don't want anything bad to happen with you. - Phil walked to Dan already putting on jacket and taking his car keys.

Dan wanted to argue but deep down he knew that he will love every extra minute spend together with Phil.

Dan nod following Phil to the car.

Dan told Phil his adress sinking back into comfortable seat and looking out the window.

Phil saw how sad Dan looked but he couldn't figure out how to make him feel better.

He wanted to make Dan happy so bad that it was driving him crazy.

He sigh in the same time as Dan when they stopped in front of simple small house.

Dan didn't want to go in, he wanted to stay in this car with Phil.

He felt tears start to burn his eyes so he forced himself to get out of the car even faster running inside, straight to his "room" before any of his family members could notice him.

Phil felt sad seeing Dan like that, Dan looked so hurt just over the fact that he needed to go back to place called "home".

It made Phil mad.

He speed off driving around, trying to calm down.

But the flaming anger just grew with every second.

He pulled over at the gym and walked straight to the boxing area pouring all his anger out there.

At the same time, Dan was lying in the cold ground with hot tears streaming down his cheeks, trying to grip Phil's sweater tighter just to feel a bit of his scent around himself.

The next day started with Dan getting a slap from his mother because he tried to take an apple for breakfast.

Dan stayed without showing any emotions and went to school with rambling stomack.

Just by eating properly two days in row made him feel really hungry right now.

But he was good at ignoring his hunger no matter how big it grew.

Soon his exam take up all his mind and energy.

When he was finished, he felt so weak that he didn't know if he will be possible to walk back home.

He let his body slid down next to tree on the sidewalk, trying not to feel so dizzy.

\- Hey, boy, are you okay? You are so pale. And so skinny! Like skeleton. Here, eat something. Poor boy. What are this time youth into. - some old lady shake her head dropping a banana in Dan's lap before walking away.

Dan felt so thankful to that lady.

He slowly eat the banana feeling better right away.

He felt his phone buzzing in his pocket, he took it out to see a new text coming in.

\- Hiya. I wanted to check on you. How did your exam go? Have you eat something today? Do you want me to go pick you up? Please answer. Phil. -

Dan felt warmth spread through his body just by reading the long text.

He felt like Phil actually care about him, at least enough to think about him for couple minutes while texting.

\- Hi, Phil! Exam went well. I'm eating banana now. It's okay, I need to study, next exam is tomorrow. Thank you for asking. Daniel. - Dan typed down the replay feeling new energy spread through his body.

\- Okay, are you home already? - Phil texted back just after couple seconds.

\- Not yet, I'm walking to get there now. - Dan slowly got up to start walking home.

\- You shouldn't text while you are walking down the street. Text me when you are home. I'll be waiting. - it take just couple seconds again for Phil to answer.

Dan stare at the text feeling much better than before. He put his phone back into his pocket and walked home.

When Dan got home his parents was still at work and his brother was off in uni again.

Dan sit down in his so called room and start to study for tomorrow's exam but not before taking out his phone to text Phil that he was home.

They end up chatting for hours.

Phil told Dan all about his day and what tattoos he made, Dan told him about exam and school.

They was chatting about silly things when Dan heard the front door to open and shut again.

\- Parents home, need to go. - Dan texted hidding his phone.

He knew that if his parents will find out that he have phone, he will be in big shits.

Dan shiver at the though turning back to his studies.

Following days of the week Dan spend a lot time simply chatting with Phil, even getting a couple photos from him. One with his tattoo salon, one with new game Phil bough so they could play it together and couple selfies with Phil.

Dan was done with all his exams, now he just needed to wait for the results and graduation, that he probably won't even attend.

Friday in the evening he was sitting in his bed chatting with Phil when he heard his mother to call his name.

He put his phone down rushing out the room to face his angry mother.

Dan didn't understand what did he do this time to make her so angry.

\- Daniel! Do you understand why I am this angry right now? - his mother asked looking at him in disgust.

Dan shake his head actually being confused.

\- Oh no? Do you know your results on your chemistry exam? No? Than look! - his mother grabbed him by the back of his neck forcing his head down into computer to see that he have got 68% in it.

\- Do you see it? Only 68%! You should have gotten at least 90! - his mother's grip was hurting and bruising his neck, she was shaking him and pushing him down closer to the computer making pain go through all Dan's body.

His mother was screaming at him and pushing him away.

When tears start to come down his face and gasp for breath come out his lips she slapped him couple times to make him quiet again.

When she have let out all her anger she pushed Dan to go to his room and not come out of there all weekend.

Dan crushed down with silent tears streaming down his swolen cheeks.

That night Dan cried himself to sleep wishing for death.

During weekend Dan mostly just lay down without moving. Only times he moved was when he had breakdowns and he was slicing his wrists open.

The same thing happened last week when all other exam results come in.

His mother was angry about him not hitting the perfect score as planned.

Dan knew he had bruises all over him because he have hit the ground more times than he could count.

During that week Dan didn't text Phil much, just enough for him not to worry to much.

The worst happened when his last exam results come in, english.

He have got 91% but for his mother it wasn't enough, for his father it wasn't enough, they needed him to hit 99% so he would get into uni of law.

Dan let them both pour their anger over his already crushed body, just standing there, taking every hit without letting his emotions out, or any sound at all.

When they was finished Dan was laying down feeling dizzy, with blood running down his chin.

His parents left him walking away with disgust.

Dan couldn't take it anymore, he couldn't breath.

And his bipolar disorder didn't sleep too, eating him alive just like his parents did.

Dan somehow got up and stumble out on the street.

He wanted some car to hit him and end his life, all his body was in pain anyway.

He wanted it all to stop.

He didn't notice that his legs have taken him to Phil's appartment.

With the last strength left Dan ring the doorbell hoping that he isn't disturbing Phil since it was friday.

Right when Phil open the door Dan gripped Phil's hand in his for support.

\- Dan! Oh my god! - he heard Phil gasp in distance.

All he felt was the warmth seeping in his body.

He close his eyes to feel it even more.

Phil was in shock.

Dan was bloody and bruised, pretty much beaten up.

Phil led him inside sitting him down and getting some ice for his face.

Dan have stopped crying and was just staring down at his legs while Phil placed ice bag against his cheek.

They didn't speak, Dan felt too weak for that. And Phil let him, he understand that Dan was too worn out already.

He let Dan lay down in the guest bedroom and fall asleep still holding Phil's hand in his cold, bloody fingers.

Phil stayed up pretty much all night, simply looking over Dan.

First couple hours Dan was sleeping in deep sleep without even moving but than he start to tossing around the bed, gasping for air before his eyes shot open in pure terror.

Phil run into his room kneeling in front of Dan.

\- Shh, sh.. it was just a nightmare. You are safe! - Phil held his arms out to show Dan.

Dan looked at Phil for a moment before starting to cry.

\- Shh… Shh… I'm here, you are safe. Shh… - Phil murmured and strech his hand out for Dan.

Dan looked at it for a moment before gripping it tight into his trembling hands.

Soon Dan calm down just by starting at Phil.

They held eye contact, both calming down like that.

Dan hold Phil's hand in both his right infront him.

Phil stayed kneeled in front of Dan.

They stayed like that for hours, none of them moved.

When Dan fell asleep again, Phil tried to think of how he could help Dan and what he could do to keep him safe.

Phil felt hurt just by seeing Dan so bruised.

Phil wanted to beat up whoever did this to his Dan.

Phil watched Dan sleep, Dan finally looked a bit more relaxed, still holding Phil's hand. Phil could feel Dan's short breaths on his hand making sure that he was still alive.

Now Phil could see why everyone called Dan a pastel boy, Dan was wearing soft pink sweater and fade out blue denim jeans.

Phil wanted to smile how cute Dan looked, in clothes like that and his hair all curly, and he did for a moment before turning his attention back to all the bruises.

Phil wonder how many other was hid under his clothes but knowing how Dan felt toward touches, he didn't allow himself to look.

Somehow after hour Phil finally let his head to slid down to bed right next to Dan's stomach and he fell in thin sleep.

When Phil wake up, Dan was already awake, watching Phil.

Phil stretch yawning.

Dan find it cute.

\- Good morning, do you want any coffee? And something to eat? - Phil asked with tired voice making Dan not to argue back and nod.

\- Okay, I will bring it all here. - Phil walked to the kitchen leaving Dan alone.

Soon he was back with simple breakfast and coffee for them both sitting down on the edge of the bed.

Dan shift to one side of the bed, making space for Phil.

\- You can sit next to me in the bed, it will be more comfortable. - Dan typed down on his phone looking back up at Phil who smiled.

\- Thank you. - Phil slid into his side of bed, making sure not to touch Dan, he didn't want to freak him out.

They eat in comfortable silence, Dan enjoying food a bit too much because it was first he have got in days.

\- Will you tell me what happened? - Phil spoke up when they have finish their breakfast and look at Dan pleading him for answers.

Dan sigh before typing down on his phone.

\- My parents didn't like my exam results… They said that it won't be enough to get into uni of law. Sorry that I fell on you so sudden last night, I didn't mean to. I was just running wishing for a car to hit me and end it all but than I was standing at your door… I'm sorry. I can go, if you want me to. - Dan was afraid to look at Phil.

\- I don't want you to leave. I'm glad you come to me. And your parents? How could they do such a thing? No exam results are so important to beat up their kid. - Phil said in pure disgust.

Dan looked away feeling tears to burn his eyes once again.

\- Oh shit, I'm sorry. I don't filter what I say. Shhh, Dan, please don't cry. - Phil was despair.

Dan shake his head to clear it.

\- I will think of something to help you. You hear me? Dan, I promise, I will protect you. - Phil said in pure honesty making Dan to look at him.

And for some reason Dan did believe him.


	4. Please Stay With Me.

_**Please stay with me.** _

They spen all weekend simply layng around.

Phil cancel all his work for these days just to be with Dan.

Dan was mostly sleepy, falling asleep a lot. But who can blame him, he was lying between soft, puffy cushions with Phil next to him.

Dan woke up from yet another small nap, stretching out feeling that pain aren't so strong anymore.

Phil was lying next to him with couple cushions between them.

Dan simply watch him for a moment before Phil turned and smiled at him.

Dan felt sad once again, he knew that he need to go back home.

Phil stretch out his hand, putting it on the cushion between them with his palm up. Dan looked down at it but didn't take it, looking away.

Phil felt a smal stin in his chest but tried to ignore it.

He tried to tell himself that Dan simply need time, a lot of time.

\- Will you please drive me to my house? - Dan type without looking up.

\- What? Are you serious right now? You are not going back there! - Phil sit up in sudden anger.

\- Okay, sorry, I will walk. Thank you for everything. - Dan type down and stand up ready to leave.

\- Daniel. - Phil stand up to, just hearing him say Dan's full name in voice like that made Dan stop and turn around to face Phil. - Please don't go. I can't let you go. - Phil was more like pleading now.

He understand how fucked up it looked like because they knew each other just for a bit more than 3 weeks, but damn, Phil was falling for him hard and he didn't want to let him go.

\- I'm sorry, I can't… - Dan looked so sad, so broken.

\- Please Dan, you can stay here and never go back. - Phil took a step closer to Dan, but Dan step back making Phil stop where he was.

\- I can't. I'm not even 18, they can turn against you if I leave. I can't. - Dan tried not to break too much infront of Phil.

\- Okay… But after your birthday? Will you stay with me? - Phil looked at Dan with hope in his eyes.

\- I will think about that, but now I really need to go. - Dan put his phone back in his pocket.

\- I will drive. - Phil said getting his car keys opening all doors for Dan.

Ride back home was filled with silence.

When car stopped Dan looked over at Phil, than down to Phil's hands. Just before Dan hop out of the car he let one of his fingers slid over Phil's hand, just with his fingertip, almost not touching it at all.

Phil looked back at Dan than looking down at his hand, hot trace left where Dan have touch him.

It felt even more special than the kiss on the cheek would be.

Phil smiled sadlly driving back home, going to sleep with Dan in his mind.

Dan had massive nightmares that night, wishing for Phil to be here to calm him down.

Next couple days Dan spend doing his best to please his parents, it was working pretty well, no hits was trow at Dan, just couple bad words, but for them Dan was used to.

Phil had a lot of work to do, there was less time to chat with Dan.

They found them chatting till late night most of the time, non of them wanted to leave other.

Thursday start as normal day, work for Phil and no breakfast for Dan.

Dan was getting done with laundry when his parents called him.

Dan walked to the living room seeing them sitting down with some papers in their hands looking up at Dan.

Dan felt confused, what did he do this time?

\- Finally you did something right. You got into University of Law. And they are pleased to give you full scholarship too. - his parents announce.

Dan just stand there without knowing what to do, he didn't even want to go to that uni, not even mention to study law.

Dan just nod walking back to his room sneaking out his phone to text Phil.

\- I got accept for University of Law, full scholarship. Parents just told me. - He hid his phone again.

Tomorrow will be his high school graduation and friday was his birthday.

He couldn't stop thinking about what Phil have said, have offered him.

_Stay with me…_

Dan heard him say.

Dan felt safe with Phil, more comfortable that he have been all his life, but he needed to admit that he was scared, scared of what will come. Dan knew that he is hard to live with. And for now Phil have seen him only on his good side, there haven't been any bad episodes yet.

Dan needed to admit that he was so damn scared of what Phil will say and think when he will see him in his worst state of mind.

Because there will be a really dark times, they were part of Dan and he couldn't do anything about it.

It wasn't his choice, he have tried to fight it, but it was with no use, it was better to simply accept it and try to live with it.

That night Dan stayed up thinking about what could be and what he should do.

The next morning come one more surprise, his parents insist on taking him to his graduation.

Dan texted Phil that there is change of plans and he is going to his graduation that Phil actually wanted him to do.

Dan felt really anxious about driving in the same car as his parents.

He got sick of how his parents pretend to be caring and proud ones.

But when his name was called he saw a beautiful surprise waiting for him, smiling proud smile, Phil standing in the crowd watching him.

It made Dan feel somehow warm inside.

_Phil was proud of him._

_Phil have dropped everything to come see him._

After everything Dan walked straight to Phil competly forgeting his parents.

\- Congrats, Danny. - Phil smiled a big proud smile.

Dan let his fingertips rush against Phil's hand thanking him.

Dan's parents soon stopped next to them.

Phil felt overprotective stepping a bit in front of Dan as to keep him safe.

Dan felt like in awe for what Phil was doing for him today.

\- Daniel, we didn't know you have a friend. Come, we have to go now. There is still a lot to be done. - His parent tone made Dan do as they say and walk back to their car, glancing one last look back at angry looking Phil.

When they were home, Dan got big slap to his face that made him lose balance.

And right there he understand for what.

_Number one rule : Do not make any friends, you don't deserve it._

Dan slowly stand up just to get another slap, he wanted to stay on the ground but he knew, if he won't stand up, it will get even worse.

More slaps come till his mother was tired and walked away to go out with their friends.

Dan lay down on the cold floor without moving, his mind making jokes about him.

He didn't even notice his body standing up and walking to get his old friends, his razor blades he kept under his mattress.

He didn't feel when his right arm slice it over his left wrist.

He didn't feel multiple cuts to follow.

He just stare down, watching his blood run out.

Today they were fade away red.

Dan watched almost fascinate how blood run down his hand, down his arm, making weird patterns all over.

He didn't know how much longer he would have sit there like that, if his phone wouldn't ring.

He looked down and saw Phil's cute selfie pop up pulling him out of his weird episode.

Dan shake his head unlocking his phone seeing several texts and missed calls from Phil.

\- I'm okay. - Dan texted not wanting to worry Phil.

He got up and went to wash his hand, washing all the blood away.

He saw that cuts was a bit deeper than before and sigh seeing them bleed again.

He wrapped a cloth around his wounds and pulled his sleeve back down walking back to his room.

\- I'm worried. Please spen this evening with me. - There was a new text from Phil.

\- Okay - Dan felt too tired to argue.

\- I'm comming to get you. - Phil answered withut a seconds.

Dan put down his phone and walked outside knowing that Phil soon will be here.

Dan needed to wait just a couple minutes till Phil's car stopped right in front of him.

Dan felt so damn tired, he slowly got into car slidding down into his seat, closing his eyes.

Phil was worried, Dan looked so pale with red handprint mark on his cheek.

Phil drive them away to his appartment.

Dan was starting to shiver more.

\- Dan, Dan! Sit down. - Phil wanted to help him but Dan flinch at the smallest touch to his skin making Phil take a step back.

Dan sit down, than lay down feeling really tired. He close his eyes letting sleep take over his crushed body.

Phil noticed blood dripping down Dan's fingers.

He slowly pushed Dan's sleeve back gasping.

Blood was all over his wrist and when he pulled back bloody cloth there was several cuts.

Phil felt angry and sad at the same time.

He got up and make sure to take care of Dan's wrist.

He thanked that he is tattoo artist, knowing how to deal with needles and cuts, and blood.

Phil was watching Dan sleep for a moment longer, just to make sure that he was alright.

Phil stand up walking to the kitchen to get dinner ready for Dan, he will need a lot of energy.

He made hot chocolate for Dan to drink right when he will wake up.

Dan slowly wake up with big headache, looking around to see caring Phil.

\- Hi, buddy. How are you feeling? Here, take and drink this. It will make you feel better. - Phil said giving Dan a cup with something that smell so delicious.

Dan took the cup slowly drinking and enjoying it.

That really was something tasty.

Dan nod a silent thank you giving it back to Phil.

\- I made dinner for you to eat. - Phil still sound worried.

Dan looked back down at his arm and saw that it had clean bandages over it.

So Phil have touched him while he was sleeping.

A smal bit of Dan start to freak out, but other, bigger part, was thankful.

They sit down to eat, deep in their own minds.

Dan looked at the clock and sigh.

He needed to go.

Phil sigh too getting up.

\- I will drive you. - Phil murmured feeling sad and making Dan even more sadder.

They spend the whole drive in silence.

\- Will you tell me if somethig will go wrong again? - Phil looked deep in Dan's eys making his point. - I don't want you to hurt yourself like that. Just seeing you like that… It hurt me really bad. I care about you, Dan, a lot. -

Dan nod before getting out of the car and walking back in.

That night Dan didn't sleep, he was thinking about what to do.

Phil didn't sleep too, he was thinking about Dan.

Next morning Dan was incredibly nervous, he was about to face his parents.

During the night he have write down a letter for them. Letter to explain himself.

It was like a promise Dan made for himself.

Dan have packed all his stuff, it was only one back pack.

He walked out the room before his parents have woken up, he placed the letter down on the kitchen table.

He looked at it one more time before walking out the door.

Dan didn't look back, he just walk away.

He walked into that one apartment building that he already was calling home.

He took couple deep breath before knocking on the door.

Waiting trying to ease his anxiety.

The door open revealing tired, sleepy Phil, still in just his black, tight boxers.

\- Dan? - Phil couldn't believe his eyes.

Dan nod taking out his phone.

\- Can I please come in? Sorry for waking you. - He typed down trying not to look too much at Phil's almost naked body.

\- Of course, do you want tea? or Coffee? - Phil asked yawning and stretching out.

\- Coffee please. We need to talk. - Dan type down looking up at Phil who hearing these small words turn all serious, prepare for the worst.

\- Go on… - Phil leaned against kitchen bar.

\- I left my parent house. I told them to forget that I have ever existed, that I won't bother their lives any more. That one day I will pay back every cent they spend on me. - Dan looked at Phil, taking in his reaction.

Phil was silent for a moment before understanding what that mean.

\- You are moving in with me? - Phil asked without masking his hope and happines.

\- Yes, of course if you still want me to. - Dan looked up with hope in his eyes.

\- Of course I want that! Fuck! I would love that! I would hug you right now but I don't want to freak you out. Oh my, Danny, it's amazing! - Phil was beaming in happines making Dan feel happy too.

They eat breakfast talking about how Dan can decorate his room however he want and that he don't need to worry about money, Phil will cover it all.

Phil helped Dan to put his clothes off, being amazed by all the pastel colors and some weird clothes.

\- What do you say about, we go shopping? I want to treat you a bit since today is your birthday. Cake will be in the evening, it haven't been delivered yet. - Phil smiled sitting down on Dan's bed.

Dan turned around to look at Phil to understand if he was joking or not.

But all Phil did was smile big happy smile watching Dan.

Dan nod allowing Phil to take Dan shopping.

Dan could never imagine that shopping could be so much fun.

They spend hours in shopping center joking around each other.

So far they have bought a couple things for Dan's room and some new clothes for him.

Phil buy them both ice cream sitting out in the sun.

\- So do you have any wishes what you want to do in the evening and what gift you want for your birthday? - Phil enjoyed sun.

\- Not really, I'm okay with simply playing video games. - Dan type down.

\- Okay, we can buy some new video game to play, it can be your birthday present. - Phil said smiling.

He looked over at Dan seeing that he was trying to catch all the dripping ice cream with his tongue. It looked so cute that Phil couldn't stop himself from taking a sneaky photo of it.

Dan looked over at Phil with his tongue still out pressed against ice cream.

Phil took one more photo.

Dan's eyes widen in sudden shock.

Phil took one more photo of it too before putting down his phone and laughing.

There start to get small blush on Dan's cheeks making him even cuter.

\- You are so cute, Danny. - Phil said in somehow dreamy voice making Dan's insides turn.

Phil's eyes was shining so bright and he was so close.

Dan felt his breath hitch.

Phil start laughing.

\- Calm down, I'm not gonna kiss you. Yet. - Phil smiled making Dan calm down a bit.

_But wait! YET?! What does that mean?!_

Dan glanced back at Phil who happily finished his own ice cream without saying a word.

Dan felt somehow uneasy but he let it drop, enjoying the rest of his birthday.

In the end they choose not just one but couple video games.

When they got back home Dan felt a bit tired, he haven't been so active in a long time.

\- Go take a nap, I will make dinner for us. - Phil smiled at him helping to get all the bags to Dan's room.

\- Thank you so much, Phil. - Dan type before putting his phone down and crawling into the bed.

It took only couple seconds before Dan was asleep.

Phil stand there watching him for a little moment longer than needed before smiling and walking to cook them special birthday dinner.

When Dan woke up he felt so happy about home made food that wait special for him.

They sit down and eat their dinner chatting about random things, never getting tired.

Than Phil stand up pulling out cute looking cake and put it in front of Dan lighting up candles.

\- Make a wish, birthday boy. - Phil whisper looking at Dan with pure love.

In that moment Dan knew that he have made the right choice.

He close his eyes and blow the candles making a simple wish.

_For Phil to be happy._


	5. You Need To See Beauty In It.

_**You need to see beauty in it.** _

When Dan woke up he felt this weird feeling, like he was floating, he was here but he didn't feel like he was there. It was like watching your body being controlled while you can just watch doing nothing.

He slowly walked to Phil's room to see that he was still asleep, Dan stayed watching him for couple minutes, or hours with his head tilt to one side.

He then turn around and walked to the kitchen in sudden urge to eat something.

He walked around the kitchen for like times five without even touching any food.

His attention catch a bird singing outside the window.

Dan sit down close to the window watching the bird sitting on one of tree brunches.

_Sing, sing, sing…_

_Floating…_

_No, flying…_

Dan was swinging in his seat hugging his knees close to his chest.

Bird was beautiful. Pitch black but with some blue feather.

Suddenly it stretch his wings flying away.

_Come back…_

Dan stand up running to the next window to see where the bird went.

It sit down on theird balcony.

Dan sit down to it's door watching the bird with his head tilt to one side while bird looked at him tilting his head to the other side.

Dan was slowly itching closer the the bird, wanting to just see him even closer.

He was so close, just need to stretch his hand out…

But than bird got up and land on the balcony railing making Dan felt sad that the bird didn't want to stay close to him.

Dan let out weird choking like sound with hot tear streaming down his cheek.

He got up running toward the bird, but it fly away making Dan crush against cold railing.

He stretch his hand out for the bird who was flying away.

Wanting to call for it but without finding his voice.

Dan climb up the railing slowly standing up.

He wanted to see the bird a bit closer, see how soft his feathers are.

Wind was making standing a bit hard, it was trying to crash Dan's body, take it with him.

Dan felt like laughing.

He didn't laugh, he still didn't know how to find his voice.

He let his head fall back stretching his arms wide open, feeling harsh wind even more, letting it try to pull off Dan's shirt.

Dan felt like spinning.

He felt ready to fly.

Dan didn't want to open his eyes.

He felt warmth touch his face and dark turn into bright red.

Dan felt such a joy streaming through his body.

He wanted to laugh out loud.

Giving sound to the joy spreading through his body.

But his damn voice wasn't working.

It wanted to stay silent.

So Dan let it.

He enjoyed the little moment of warmth collapsing with freezing cold, fighting over who will have his body, mixing together and crushing him from all around.

Dan swing even harder with every passing second, his feet almost not touching the railing at all anymore.

Pull to one side, push to the other.

All over again.

And again.

And again…

Phil woke up from weird sound reaching his ears. He slowly got up walking to Dan's room to see if he was okay but find it empty.

Phil heard another weird sound and silent bang.

He rush to his living room, looking around to find Dan.

He saw the balcony door open and Dan out there.

All his blood was turning cold.

Dan was standing there on the balcony railing with his arms stretch out and head tilt back, swaying in wind, with his feet almost not touching the railing at all.

\- DAN! - Phil scream running to the balcony.

Dan didn't react at all, like he couldn't hear him.

\- Dan, Daniel! - Phil stopped in the middle of the balcony, not wanting to risk rushing closer and scaring Dan.

There still was no answer.

Sun was shining over Dan's body, making his hair light up, than all his body.

Dan looked like an Angel on fire.

It break Phil's heart.

\- Daniel! Please! - Phil tried again and again to call his name, but Dan didn't hear any of it.

Dan was in between another world.

He felt so happy and he like the feeling a lot, he didn't want to let go of it.

But then he heard something that made him feel his heart beating again.

That little sound was pulling him back.

Dan listen more closlly to understand what it was.

\- Daniel, baby… please… -

Dan felt so confused.

No one have ever called him like that…

And that tone…

It was like begging, real, scared begging.

Like their life was treatening.

Part of Dan wanted to ignore it and keep sliding into pure happiness and beautiful light, but small part of him felt curious about the voice.

\- Baby… please… -

Dan fight to the surface to see who was calling him.

\- Please… - the voice was choking out through the tears and fear.

Then it hit Dan, it was Phil.

Dan slowly open his eyes to be blind by sun.

He looked down seeing street down under his feet, everything down there was so small and everyone moved so quick…

\- Danny, baby, please listen to me. - Phil's voice made Dan look back up and turn his head around to see Phil in just his boxers, standing in the middle of the balcony with his hands stretch out to Dan, with tears streaming down his face.

He looked so pale, like he have seen the Death himself.

Dan wanted to laugh about that.

\- Please come down, we will get back inside, you will be safe. Baby, please. - Phil was begging.

Dan didn't understand.

_To who he is begging?_

Dan let confuse being painted all over his face.

\- Danny, baby, please don't leave me just yet… please… - Phil was stretching his hand out even more toward Dan.

Dan looked down at it turning around completely almost losing his balance making Phil let out small scream.

Dan looked down at Phil's shaking hand.

_Phil was shaking…_

_And begging…_

_To him…_

Dan let his ice cold hand slip into Phil's warm one.

Phil gripped his hand tigh nodding Dan and stretching out his other hand.

_Both hands…_

_He want me to hold both his hands…_

Dan felt confuse.

Fear was spreading over his body, warning him, asking him to run away and scream, hide.

_Phil won't hurt me…_

Dan was fighting with himself.

He let his other hand out, it was shaking really teriblly.

Dan still wasn't sure about putting it in Phil's open one.

But than he breath in deep breath and let it slid into Phil's open hand.

Phil gripped it tight.

Dan looked up to see Phil's lighting blue eyes.

He was pulled back to the reality with such a force that his breath hitch.

\- Slowly climb down so we can go inside. - Phil said in soft tone urging Dan to listen.

Dan nod slipping down the railing to stand infront Phil.

Phil looked so relieved.

\- Let's go inside to get you warm. - Phil still hold both Dan's hands in his and led him inside making sure to lock the balcony door behind them.

He sit Dan down on the couch between all the puffy pillows, pulling a blanket over his shivering body.

Dan wanted to give Phil a smile, only if he would be able to move his lips that was bright blue right now.

Dan felt sudden wave of tiredness washing over him.

He yawned letting his body sing deeper into all the soft pillows and the warmth of the blanket.

His eyes start to shut.

Last thing he felt was warm, gripping touch of Phil who was still gripping Dan's hands in his.


	6. Doomed.

_**Doomed.** _

Dan woke up feeling empty.

He felt a hand gripping his, he felt electricity run through his hand and up through his whole body.

Suddne panic start to rise.

_Someone was pulling his hand!_

_Someone is holding me!_

_Someone's hands are on my body!_

_NO!_

_PLEASE NO!_

_Not again…_

_Please…_

Dan start to sob, his body freezing.

His air was cut off, his lungs starting to burn and scream.

He felt flames lick their way up from his lungs to his throth.

_Please…_

_Please, no…_

_Please stop…_

_Please…_

_Not again…_

_Please…_

Dan was begging with his mouth clothes and no words or sounds coming out, just the tears streaming down his face.

Dan wanted to fight, to run.

But his hands was gripped even tighter.

He start to feel dizzy from not being able to breath.

_Please…_

A big splash of water was thrown over his face making him yelp straight up, sucking in so needed breath and opening his eyes.

He saw Phil standing in front of him, all pale with an empty glass in his hand.

Dan felt so confused of what was happening.

He tried to make his brain work but they was like wrapped in fog.

Dan slowly slid back into all the soft pillows, shivering.

Phil put down his glass and put a blanket back over Dan, making sure not to touch him.

Dan catch big fear in Phil's eyes.

He knew, he felt that it was something important, but he just couldn't put his finger on it.

He close his eyes sinking deeper into all the pillows, hiding his body completely, slowly letting sleep taking over his body and his cloudy mind.

It have already been almost 20 hours since Dan fell asleep.

Phil checked every 20 minutes if he was still breathing.

He even called a friend who was dating a nurse to ask what he should do in situation like this.

He knew that it can be hard, but he never saw anything like this coming.

Fuck, Dan almost fell of the balcony!

He would be dead straight away.

Phil was angry at himself.

About not watching over Dan better, about not knowing more about bipolar disorder, about not being ready for this, about being scared.

He was so angry.

But he tried his best to stay calm for Dan.

First couple hours Phil was holding Dan's hands in his, because Dan have let him and because he felt safer that way, but after seeing Dan freaking out and turning blue of not breathing, Phil didn't dare to touch him, not even a bit.

He sit couple feet away, watching over him.

Next couple hours after the incident, Dan's breathing was so uneven that it scared Phil, but now past 3 hours it have got back to normal.

Phil felt a bit sleepy, it was already 1 am.

But Phil kept his eyes open, watching over Dan.

Phil felt so useless.

It hurt him that there was no way how he could help Dan right now.

Phil sit there trying to stay calm, it was hard.

Dan moving catch Phil's attention making him sit up straighter.

Dan turned on his back, stretching out a bit, his shirt rolling up revealing his hip bones that was out of his boxers.

Phil was freeze for a moment, his eyes slidding over Dan's body.

Dan looked so peace full, so cute…

Phil knew if this would happen in any other circumstance he would snap a quick photo of sleeping Dan.

Phil shake his head and slowly got up to put the blanket back over Dan's body, he didn't want Dan to be cold and get sick.

But before he got a chance, Dan moved again.

He start stretching even more, then putting one arm over his face sliding back into peace.

Phil stand for a moment watching Dan to make sure that he was fully asleep again before he slowly put a blanket over Dan's body, carefully not to touch him with his hands.

Phil watched Dan a moment longer before walking to the kitchen to get one more cup of coffee to keep him awake.

Phil tried everything, drinking coffee, scrolling through social media, playing games in his phone, even drinking energy drink but no matter what he did, his eyes was starting to shut, his body demanding for sleep.

Phil fight hard not to fall asleep, he needed, he wanted to watch over Dan to make sure that he was okay.

But soon Phil's eyes closed and his body was sliping into sleep with Dan on his mind.

Dan woke up by the sun shining in his eyes, making everything bright red.

He groaned turning away and opening his eyes to see Phil sleeping in armchair couple feets away from Dan.

Dan felt confused.

He slowly sit up looking around to understand where they even were.

_Living room._

_But why was they sleeping in the living room?_

_And why Phil was sleeping in an armchair?_

Dan felt even more confused.

He shake his head stretching out a bit before standing up and making his way to the bathroom.

Dan actually felt rested.

He decide to take a shower while Phil was still sleeping.

It took him a bit longer than usual because now he was actually starting to enjoy showers.

When Dan got out he dry his body putting on clean clothes and sitting down to get done with his itching wrist.

It was already healing pretty well, couple more days, maybe a week and it will be just a dark scar and nothing more.

Dan stand back up looking into a mirror.

Dark circles under his eyes have start to fade away making him feel a bit younger than he was used to see himself.

But he didn't mind that.

Circles fading away just ment that Dan was starting to get better.

Dan slowly made his way to his room, sitting down and checking his phone.

It was already Monday.

_Monday?_

_Wait… where did Sunday go?_

Dan felt confused once more before checking the calendar to make sure that he wasn't messing something up.

_Nop, it really is Monday… Weird…_

_Wait! It's Monday!_

Dan fall back into his bed looking up the ceiling.

Monday was that day.

That day when Dan get his replay from the law university.

Dan felt sad right away.

If he is accepted, that mean that he will need to start uni in next week, his parents making sure to get him start a summer course so he could start getting his so important degree faster.

Dan hated even thinking about it.

He didn't even want to study there, he didn't have any interest in law.

_Ugh…_

Dan force himself to get up and go down to actually check the mail for his letter.

He send the address to the uni just in case.

Dan felt so relieved that he didn't met anyone on his way.

There it was, the letter.

Dan walked back up, looking at the letter like he could change what's inside just by staring at it.

Dan put down all the other mail and walked back to his room, glancing at still sleeping Phil on his way.

He sit down on the bed, taking couple deep breaths to calm down.

He slowly opened the letter and start reading.

_Fuck…_

Dan was staring at the letter without knowing how to react.

He should be happy.

He should feel relieved.

But he didn't.

He have got into the University.

His results was too good for them not to accept him.

Dan let his head fall into his hands.

He still didn't know how to react.

_I really don't feel any joy about this…_

_I don't want to go…_

_Why do I need to go there?_

Dan felt the tears start to stream down his face.

He just didn't want to go there.

It was not for him.

But he couldn't do anything about it.

He needed to go.

He needed to leave Phil.

He felt sharp pain in his chest from just thinking about it.

Dan understand that he was fallen deeper than he was before and to be honest, he didn't know if there is a way back this time.

So he just let the tears stream down his face, making his vision blurry, blurring out the letter Dan wished he have never received.


	7. Tattoos Over Worries.

_**Tattoos over worries.** _

Phil was woken up by the sun shining on his face and his first thought was about Dan.

He sat up, wide awake, looking around to try and find Dan but he was nowhere.

Phil started to panic.

\- Dan! Daniel! Dan! - Phil stood up and ran around, searching for Dan, starting to panic even more and more with every second.

Dan was pulled out of his thin sleep by someone calling his name, he sat up without understanding what was happening.

_Phil…?_

Dan walked out of the room to see a running Phil.

Phil saw Dan and ran to him, stopping himself just an inch or so away from Dan.

\- Danny… - Phil felt so relieved to see Dan being fully okay.

Just with messy hair and red, puffy eyes, but still okay.

Dan didn't understand why Phil looked so worried.

He pulled out his phone, opening a typing app.

\- Good Morning. Why are you so worried? - Dan asked, looking up at Phil.

Phil felt confused for a second before remembering what his friend's girlfriend had told him about having bipolar episodes.

\- Oh… Dan, you had one of your episodes yesterday and tonight… I was so worried… - Phil wanted to pull Dan into hug but he fought against the urge.

_Oh…_

_OH!_

_So that's why Sunday was missing…_

Now everything was falling into places.

But there was still a lot of pieces missing for Dan.

\- I'm sorry… I… How bad it was? - Dan felt ashamed and close to tears.

\- Hey, hey, don't you cry. It's okay, it's okay. It was scary but we are both okay right now. Please don't cry. - Phil reached out his hand for Dan but didn't touch him.

Dan closed his eyes, still feeling scared of being touched, but immediately feeling better from just feeling Phil so close.

\- Did I hurt you? - Dan slowly looked up to meet Phil's blue eyes.

\- Not physically. Don't worry, you had a harsh day and a harsh night. Do you want to eat breakfast? - Phil moved his hand down so he wouldn't stress Dan out even more.

Dan nodded and followed Phil to the kitchen, where Phil served them light breakfast.

Dan was glad that Phil made something light because even though he understood that he hadn't eat anything in over 30 hours, it was still hard to eat something at all.

Just the thought that he may have hurt Phil was driving him crazy.

Phil's phone was beeping a lot, making Dan look up, scrunching up his brows.

\- Sorry, it's just work… - Phil murmured, reading a text, ready to put his phone back down.

\- Oh my, it's monday. You have to work. Shit, are we late? - Dan asked, standing up, putting down the dishes.

\- I… Do you want us to go to the tattoo place? - Phil asked, a bit unsure.

\- Yeah, it won't be good to miss a work day. Let's go. I like that place a lot. - Dan typed down before putting on a jacket, waiting for Phil to get ready.

Phil was a bit confused about Dan's mood but he just rolled with it, driving them both to the tattoo place.

Just watching Dan calm down and start to relax was making Phil feel happy.

They sat down, Phil getting ready to work while Dan was watching his every move.

\- So tell me more about tattoos… Please. - Dan typed, looking back up at Phil.

\- You really want to know? - Phil asked with small smile starting to appear on his lips, making Dan's insides turn warm.

Dan nodded, ready to catch Phil's every word.

Phil started to tell Dan everything, starting with small things and slipping in deeper and deeper with each minute.

Phil's eyes lit up with exitment while telling Dan all the little bits.

And seeing Phil like that, Dan felt happy for a moment but sad at the same time.

He understood that he had let himself get closer to Phil than needed and that he didn't want to leave him now.

Dan pushed it all to the side, getting lost in Phil's excitment.

It was amazing to watch Phil working, he was so concentrated and so into it.

Dan spent all day watching Phil and listening to him light up like little star in the midnight sky.

After that day, Dan chose to push all his worries aside and enjoy Phil while he could.

So they spent all week together, most of the time simply chilling and working in Phil's tattoo salon.

On friday Dan understood that he had pulled himself even deeper into dark void, he felt even closer to Phil then before, making his leaving even harder.

They were sitting next to each other with a small space between them, chatting about random things when Phil sat up, making Dan look up.

\- I have a small gift for you. - Phil said, smiling.

Dan furrowed his brows, sitting up.

Phil got something from his desk and turned to face Dan, sitting back down, their hips almost touching but not really.

\- I made you something… - Phil said, a bit shy, and pulled out a small, elegant flower crown with black and light blue flowers and a couple of green leaves.

Dan's mouth opened with no sound coming out, he was so surprised.

\- I hope you like it… If not, then it's okay. - Phil suddenly started to regret the stupid idea and wanted to pull the crown away when Dan put his hand on Phil's, making him stop in his tracks.

\- I love it. - Dan typed down, looking up at Phil.

Phil started to smile really wide and big, putting the small crown on Dan's head.

In that moment Dan felt special.

He felt needed.

And cared for.

Dan smiled, opening his front camera to check how the crown looked, and it looked amazing.

\- Thank you so so much, Phil. It really means a lot to me. It's so beautiful. - Dan couldn't take his eyes off the crown.

\- I'm glad that you like it. - Phil said, catching himself leaning closer to Dan.

Dan turned his face to meet Phil's, their noses almost touching, making Dan's eyes go wide.

They both pulled back and looked away.

\- Sorry… - Phil murmured, feeling a blush creeping in his cheeks, looking down at Dan to see him blushing as well.

\- I think it's time to go home… I'm feeling a bit tired… - Dan typed down without looking back up at Phil.

His mind was racing, making even more knots then before.

\- Of course. Lets go. - Phil smiled and stood up, opening the doors for Dan.

The drive home was filled with random music playing on the radio.

Dan tried to take in every little detail about Phil through all day, but now even more, how he hummed some songs, how he standed, how he smiled, every little one.

Marking them in his memory.

With every second, Dan felt even more and more sad.

Tomorrow was the day, the day when he needed to leave.

After couple of minutes, Dan wasn't able to even look at Phil, it was so hard not to break down.

So when they arrived home, Dan rushed to his room, shutting the door behind him.

Dan let himself break down with no sound coming out.

He was so used to staying silent while he felt like dying.

But this time was different, this time was more painful.

\- Dan…? - Phil opened the door coming in to see Dan curled into a ball, crying his eyes out and gasping for breath. - DAN! - Phil rushed to him, kneeling right in front of him.

Dan opened his eyes to look into shining blue ones.

\- Danny, what's wrong? What happened? - Phil was so confused but ready to help Dan.

Dan sat up, taking his phone out to type with shaky hands.

\- I need to leave… -

\- What? Why…? - Phil looked up, searching for answers.

Dan was too tired to type anything so he reached under his pillow and took out the letter, giving it to Phil.

Phil read it, then looking up.

\- But you said that you don't want to go…- Phil sounded so hurt and it was like a knife in Dan's chest, making him choke on his own breath.

\- I don't, I don't want to leave you… I never wanted to go to that university… - Dan tried to type down with his vision turning blurry.

\- Oh Dan, you don't need to go. You hear me? You can stay with me. You don't need to go anywhere. Please stay. - Phil tried to catch Dan's eyes.

Dan stared down into Phil's eyes, feeling calmer.

\- Shh, baby, you can stay with me. I want you to stay. - Phil said in a soothing voice, making Dan nod and lie back down, already feeling calmer.

Dan reached out, slowly wrapping his cold fingers around Phil's warm ones, pulling Phil's hand closer to his cheek, slowly closing his eyes.

Phil felt a bit shocked to see Dan taking his hand and putting it close to his face.

Dan started to drift off into sleep while Phil was watching him.

Just feeling Phil's look sliding over him was making him feel calm.

Dan believed every one of Phil's words, cursing himself for not telling Phil earlier.

But that was different battle for another day, and right now Dan was enjoying holding Phil's hand in his while drifting into sleep.

Phil watched Dan fall asleep, not allowing himself to move, he didn't want to wake Dan up.

_He actually just pulled Dan out of having a break down… Wow…_

Phil watched Dan for a bit longer then needed, just to make sure that he was okay before slowly sliding his hand out of Dan's hold and standing up.

Phil pulled a soft blanket over Dan before walking out the room, leaving all the doors open.

Phil laid down in his bed, already missing Dan's touch but trying to push his thoughts to the side.

But in the end, he still fell asleep with the little flower boy in his mind.


	8. You Need To Stop That.

_**You need to stop that.** _

\- Phil… - Dan breathed out, hovering over Phil, one hand on each side of his head.

\- Danny, fuck… - Phil moaned.

They both moved at the same time, Phil gripping Dan's hips even more tighter and Dan gripping the bed sheets under Phil, both moaning in pleasure.

Just a bit more.

Just a bit more.

And a little bit more.

And, and, and…

Just right there…

_Bum!_

Phil moaned out in pleasure, pulling Dan down into a kiss but not being able to feel Dan's lips against his.

Phil slowly opened his eyes, still out of breath, to see that there was no Dan hovering over him.

Phil looked around, slowly understanding that he'd just had another fucking wet dream about Dan.

_Fuck, that fucking almost-kiss! For fucks sake, Phil! You need to calm the fuck down! You are like some horny teenager who can't keep it in pants! Hold yourself together, for fucks sake!_

Phil was yelling at himself in his mind while slipping into the shower to wash away any shameful traces of what had just happened, again.

Dan woke up to the sound of a running shower.

He slowly sat up, looking down at his hand, which he remembered holding Phil's hand but was now empty.

Dan shook his head to try and clear his mind a bit before standing up, only to fall back down onto the bed.

His head was spinning like crazy.

Dan closed his eyes, putting one arm over his face.

He tried his best to calm down but everything just kept getting worse with every passing second.

He felt the familiar burning taste travel up his throat, warning him what's coming.

Dan stood up and ranto the bathroom, ignoring the fact that he almost didn't see the way at all.

He leaned over the toilet just in time, pouring out everything that was left inside him.

Cramps started to come in painful waves, washing over Dan, making him crash down onto the floor.

Feeling the cold seep into his skin made him feel a bit better but the cramps didn't give up, trying to crush him down.

Phil rushed out of the shower upon hearing Dan throwing up.

He froze seeing Dan on the floor, trembling and gasping for breath.

Phil kneeled down next to him, not really knowing what to do.

_If I will try to touch him, he will freak out even more… what should I do…?_

In that moment Dan turned his head, facing a worried Phil.

And just seeing those beautifully deep, blue eyes, made all the cramps and pains go away, freeing Dan, letting him breathe.

They kept staring at each other, getting lost in one another's eyes.

Dan's breathing went back to normal, allowing his mind to clear and his body to begin relaxing.

After around ten minutes of non-stop eye contact, Dan's eyes started to travel lower to see that Phil was stood only with a towel around his waist and with little water droplets still covering his smooth skin.

Dan's breath hitched in his throat making him start to cough.

Phil reached out his hand to help Dan, being pulled out of his trance, but Dan just waved his hand away, slowly sitting up and calming down.

\- Are you okay…? What happened? - Phil stayed where he was, still watching Dan.

Dan just shook his head, sucking in a couple of deep breaths before turning to face Phil.

Their eyes met again, sucking them back into the sweet feeling that they can't recognise.

Dan shook his head one more time, looking away and slowly standing up.

Phil jumped up too, ready to catch Dan if he fall.

Dan looked back just to catch Phil's muscles stretch as he stood up.

_All the outlines…_

_Muscles stretching…_

_Hip bones pushing out of the towell…_

_Little droplets shining over his body…_

Dan felt his mouth start to water.

It was a really strange feeling.

He shook his head once more and looked away.

Phil cocked his head to one side a bit, watching Dan's eyes traveling down his body.

_How his eyes softly travel all around his body, hugging every curve and muscle…_

_How his eyes start to widen…_

_How his mouth opens a bit and his bottom lip is sucked in between his teeth right away…_

_Shit, Phil, calm down before you get another boner!_

Phil shook his head to try and clear his mind a bit.

Dan felt Phil's eyes on him but he chose to ignore them, slowly walking back to his room.

Phil couldn't stop a small smirk appear on his lips but he quickly made it go away.

Phil put on some clothes and walked into Dan's room, stopping in the doorway.

\- Do you want to stay home today? I have to do three tattoos… - Phil spoke up even though he didn't want to leave Dan all alone, he just wanted to spend more time with him and he was still worried.

\- I will go with you. I don't want to stay alone. - Dan typed down, standing up, ready to go.

\- I promise that it won't take long. After that we can do whatever you will want to do. Okay? - Phil looked Dan in the eyes to make sure that he was okay.

\- Of course. - Dan nodded.

Phil still felt a bit uneasy about the dark circles under Dan's eyes, and blue lips didn't help either.

Phil checked the time to see that he could spare at least fifteen minutes to drive Dan around the city just for fun before he really would need to start getting ready at his tattoo salon.

Phil made sure that Dan had his seatbelt on right before he sped off, earning a joyful and surprised squeak from Dan.

Dan gripped onto the seat tighter, feeling excitment spread all over his body.

And just fifteen minutes of speeding around the city made all the demons go away, it made Dan's whole soul feel lighter.

He felt like he could breathe freely in that moment, with no darkness choking him.

When they stopped at the tattoo salon parking lot, a big smile was spreading over Phil's face.

He looked over at Dan to see that colour was making its way back into his face, his lips starting to paint in soft baby pink color, his eyes shining with happiness and joy.

Phil's heart felt so warm just by seeing how such a little thing made Dan bloom in joy.

\- You are so beautiful… - Phil murmured under his breath.

Dan looked over at him with his eyes sparkling.

The brown of his eyes was now like whole little universe, not just the pitch blackness of doomed black holes.

Dan's face had regained its colour, it was no longer in the greyish paleness it had been in almost all the time.

Dan couldn't look away from seeing how colourful happiness was painted on Phil's face, it looked like he was shining even brighter than all the possible stars in the sky.

And in that moment Dan felt the sudden warmth seeping through his bones again, just like in the morning when he was facing an almost naked Phil.

Dan still had no idea what that feeling meant, but he sure understand that it was a good feeling.

They both got lost again, simply staring into each other eyes.

Exploring universes living and swirling in them.

Phil let out a small laugh, feeling a big urge to kiss Dan once again.

The joyful sound made Dan feel even warmer inside.

\- We probably should get inside… - Dan typed down without taking his eyes off of Phil.

\- Emm, yeah… - Phil smiled even wider. - Pink suits you. - He blurted out without thinking.

Dan cocked his head to one side, making Phil blush.

Phil got out first, opening all the doors for Dan.

Dan sat down on Phil's chair right in front of his big work desk.

Phil started to get ready for his first client whilst telling Dan all about how to prepare the place so it would be ready for someone to get a tattoo.

Dan listened carefully, catching every small detail.

Soon, the first customer came but it didn't stop Phil from explaining all the details for Dan.

Dan felt so important, for once someone was paying attention to him regardless of there being someone else in the room.

The last customer was one of the the usual clients who come to Phil from time from time.

\- Is that your new helper? I won't mind allowing him to train on me. - He laughed, making Phil laugh too.

\- Well, that wasn't a plan but, Dan, if you ever consider becoming a tattoo artist, you are more than welcome to work with me. - Phil flashed a big smile to Dan, making Dan's cheeks turn a bit rosy.

When the final client was gone, Phil stopped next to Dan, typing down on his pc the needed papers.

\- But about that tattoo thing, I am serious. I wouldn't mind helping you to try. - Phil said smiling at Dan.

\- Thank you, but for now I'd better just listen and watch how you do it. - Dan looked up at Phil with still-joyful eyes.

\- That is good too. I love telling you all about the tattoos and all the techniques. So, what would you like to do right now? Are you hungry? - Phil couldn't stop smiling.

Dan was about to type down his answer when his phone started to ring.

_University_  - read the title flashing on the screen.

Dan started to panic, all the colour rushing away from his face.

\- Give it to me, I will handle it. Breathe. - Phil said, taking Dan's phone out of his hands and answering the call.

\- Hello. Yes, yes. I am sorry to inform you that Daniel has changed his mind, he won't be attending the university this year. Yeah, I understand, what a loss. Yeah. If anything changes, we will inform you. Thank you for your time. Good bye. - Phil put the phone down.

Dan felt a bit shocked at how well and easily Phil handled one of the hardest and most bothersome things in his mind.

\- So, what would you like to do now? And please breathe, you don't need to worry about university anymore. You are staying with me and I will help you in any way possible. - Phil smiled, calming Dan down with just that.

\- Well, maybe we could visit that pizza place you really like? - Dan looked up.

\- I would love to! Do you like it there? - Phil asked with a cute fire in his eyes.

\- Yes! That was one of the tastiest pizzas i have ever tried! - Dan's eyes lit up too.

Phil laughed, giving Dan his jacket.

They both hopped into Phil's car, feeling excited for yet another car ride.

And just catching small glimpses of the now-growing excitement on Dan's face made Phil chose to drive an extra round around the city before pulling up by the pizza place.

Dan couldn't explain how driving around so fast made him feel this good, it was just like every metre the car sped away, his worries and demons were being washed away too.

It was like he could drive away from his darkness, from his demons.

And to be honest, Dan fucking loved that feeling, so he chose to enjoy every second of it.


	9. Bad Days Come Back.

_**Bad Days Come Back.** _

Dan was lying in bed, his eyes open, his hands grasping at his chest, his breath hitching, and tears streaming down his face.

It was dark outside, it was dark inside, it was dark.

No light was coming in.

Nowhere.

It was plain dark.

And Dan was lying there, cold and trembling, gripping his chest to try and get a breath but his lungs choosing otherwise, choosing to close all the pipes and make him choke.

His head was pulsing with all the terror screaming inside.

His eyes hurt from the amount of tears coming out.

His fingers were blue from how hard he'd tried to grip his own chest.

But he didn't feel the pain of nails digging into his skin, he felt the greater pain inside.

Inside where no one could ever see it.

It'd been two full weeks of Dan spending every day with Phil, every day going to his tattoo salon and learning, helping, simply being close to the only person who seemed to care a little about what would happen with Daniel.

But today, today was different.

No matter how fast the car drove, no matter how much attention Phil gave him, Dan just didn't feel right.

His insides were hurting, his head spinning from screaming voices.

He was just so, so tired.

And no amount of sleep could help him.

That's why he was lying in bed for hours, trying to fall asleep but instead falling apart.

Nothing seemed right.

These past two weeks had been too good to be true.

Dan waited for the moment when he would just wake up and be in the small storage room again, ready to be punished for simply breathing.

No matter how hard the tears came out, there was no sound coming out of him, making Phil think that Dan was asleep.

Dan had seen the hurt in Phil for how off Dan had been all day.

He punished himself with not eating anything all day.

It just seemed right.

He shouldn't hurt Phil.

Who he was to hurt others just because he wasn't feeling right himself?

So Dan curled into himself in the dark, breaking apart with every little edge ripped.

And, at that moment, in that night, when it was too dark for even stars or the moon to come and shine, Daniel wished to be dead, he wished to die and end his existence.

He could hear himself screaming in his head for it, screaming for death to come and take him, ending all this pain, setting others free.

But death just laughed, laughed at him and how stupid he was to think that it could end so fast.

All he got was passing out from not getting enough oxygen.

Still trembling and gripping his chest, getting slowly tortured through the night.

And just for that little moment where he was unconscious , he was free, not feeling a damn thing, having a bit of time to rest.

But, all too soon, the sun rose, waking him up, making his heavy eyelids open up.

Dan slowly stumbled out of his room, feeling dizzy, stumbling to the bathroom.

He passed a mirror on the way, not recognising what he saw.

A boy with dark, angry circles under his deep, almost black eyes, hair a mess, skin so pale, almost grey and unhuman.

Dan hated what he saw, he hated himself and he hates his disease.

So, without really thinking, Dan gripped his hands into fists and punched the mirror, once, twice and again, and again, and again until he was down on the ground with smashed mirror shards all around him, painting everything in different colours of red, loud sobs escaping his lips.

He didn't even hear Phil rushing to the bathroom, being woken up by the sudden sound.

Dan kept hitting the pieces of mirror left with his bloody hands, tears streaming down his face.

Phil froze at the sight but took a deep breath and stepped inside, taking hold of Dan's wrists, making Dan look up.

A sob faded somewhere in between, his eyes meeting Phil's blue ones.

Dan relaxed in the simple but strong touch, not taking his eyes off Phil.

It seemed like Phil's eyes were too bright for Dan's inner demons, making them fade away.

Dan leaned against the wall behind him, letting Phil hold his hands.

\- Danny… You should have told me that you were feeling like this again… - Phil murmured almost without sound, softly pulling Dan up.

Dan followed Phil to the bathtub, sitting down, letting blood drip inside there.

Phil started to take care of Dan's cuts without saying another word, leaning down and planting a soft kiss on top of the bandages when he had finished, surprising Dan a bit.

\- Let's go, I will make you a tea and something to eat. - Phil stood up, still holding Dan's hands in his.

Dan looked down at the smashed mirror apologetically.

\- Don't worry about the mirror. Just be careful not to cut your feet on it. - Phil helped Dan walk around it, holding his hand softly.

And just feeling the touch made Dan feel better already.

He followed Phil to the kitchen, sitting down, feeling really tired once again.

\- Here, take these. And drink the tea while it's still warm. - Phil's voice made him look up and made him understand that he had somehow fallen asleep already.

Dan took the small pills and drank all the tea, slowly eating the sandwitch Phil made them both.

It was hard to keep his eyes open, his eyelids sliding shut every couple of seconds.

\- Let's get you to the bed, love. - Dan heard Phil's soft voice but he just felt too tired to open his eyes once again, so he let Phil lead him to the bed by holding both his arms.

Dan fell asleep still feeling the warmth that Phil's touch was radiating through his body.

And Dan knew that, when he would wake up, Phil would be there by his side and he would be okay once again.


	10. We fall but we will try again.

**_We fall but we will try again._ **

 

When Dan woke up, he felt a lot better, no more annoying voices.

His hands were hurting but that was nothing compared to seeing that he’d made Phil upset once again.

Dan wanted to cry.

He hated to make Phil hurt or upset. He hated it! Even more than he hated himself.

Dan was watching Phil clean the bathroom, biting his lip so hard that he was sure that blood would soon start to come out.

Dan tried to think of something that would make Phil feel better, make him maybe forget what Dan did, forget about all the dried blood seeping into cold titles.

Dan gripped his hair in his fists only to scrunch up his nose in pain.

He sighed, banging his head against the wall, making Phil look up.

His eyes were all puffy and red.

It was like a knife in Dan’s chest.

He took in a sharp breath.

_ Phil was crying because of me… _

Dan’s eyes started to water, his legs carrying him towards Phil without him even feeling it.

Dan stopped right next to Phil, who was kneeling down to wash the titles.

Dan looked him straight in the eyes, letting his own eyes show all the guilt he was feeling, show how sorry he felt.

And then he tentatively raised his left hand, slowly, unsure of how to do it.

He slowly placed it on Phil’s swollen cheek.

He sucked in another sharp breath at the sudden skin contact, both of their eyes widening in shock at the temperature contrast between them.

Dan needed to swallow the urge to snap his hand back and hide it so he just pressed a bit harder against Phil’s cheek.

It felt so soft and so warm against Dan’s ice-cold hand.

And… and…. it kinda felt… pleasant?

Dan started to felt confused.

When the shock was over, Phil closed his eyes, leaning into the simple touch against his cheek.

They both took in a deep breath, sighing in relief.

Dan tilted his head to the side, watching how Phil reacted to the touch, analysing every small detail.

It felt so weird for Dan, he hadn’t touched anyone in years, he didn’t even remember the last time he’d touched something other than someone’s hand, and he usually didn’t let others touch himself either.

But with Phil, with Phil it all felt so different.

Dan knew that he trusted Phil more than he had ever trusted anyone in all his life.

Just seeing how calm and happy Phil looked, enjoying the touch, let Dan know he did the right thing.

Dan didn’t know how long he should hold his hand against Phil’s cheek, he had no idea.

A small smile spread over Phil’s lips, he tilted his head to the side, planting a soft kiss against Dan’s hand.

Dan’s eyes widened.

He hadn’t see anything like that coming.

It felt so intimate.

Dan’s hand started to shake a bit, making Phil open his eyes and look up at Dan, slowly licking his lips.

Dan felt like he couldn’t breathe, all of sudden feeling too hot.

It all felt new to him but one thing he knew: it all felt damn sexual.

Dan opened his lips with a small gap, looking down at Phil, into his shining eyes.

Phil’s smile got wider, he placed a hand over Dan’s to make it stop trembling.

\- It’s okay, baby boy. - Phil said in a soothing voice, making Dan relax right away.

They just stared at each other for a moment before Dan slowly slid his hand out of Phil’s touch.

Phil just smiled, standing finally up.

Dan felt all warm inside, already thanking Phil in his mind.

Dan took his phone out of his pocket, typing down as fast as he could.

\- Do you want to go out for a ride? - Dan looked at Phil.

\- Of course. Lets go. - Phil beamed in joy, taking Dan’s hand in his, leading them to the car.

The small run to the garage made joy spread through Dan’s whole body, still holding Phil’s hand in his, trying to catch a breath while leaning against the car.

Phil was laughing, smiling so wide.

Dan liked to see him like that.

Phil looked down at Dan and smiled even wider, his eyes lighting up even more.

They both got into the car, fastening their seat belts before speeding off.

Phil was an amazing driver, Dan had to admit. With him, Dan felt safe. Even while driving so fast that everything outside the window was a blur.

After a half an hour drive, they stopped at the small cafe, both beaming in joy.

Even if Dan didn’t smile or laugh, his eyes still showed all the joy he was feeling.

And for Phil it was enough.

They got into the cafe, ordering the biggest ice cream they had, sitting down and eating it all while talking about simply nothing.

Dan knew that his favourite sound was now Phil’s laughter, it could move things, it was powerful and so full of joy. Dan loved it.

He made a note to make Phil laugh at least once  a day, making them both happy.

 


End file.
